Many people, indeed many people, get tired and helpless trying to cover up the feeling that they are basically not enough and perfect. This causes many problems in their lives, including a feeling of chronic anxiety about their intimate relationships. The good news is that there are ways to reduce these problems. Part of the solution is to find a partner whose style can help them feel better.
When we say style, we mean their “attachment style”. The term “attachment” refers to how people relate to others, and attachment theory describes how people’s ways of communicating are established early in life. These relationships are strongly influenced by interactions with the first people they care for and are often the most prominent mother. When a caregiver is constantly on the lookout for their children’s grievances, they are more likely to feel they deserve love and can expect others to support them. These children are considered secure attachments.
Sometimes, for various reasons, caregivers are not always warm and supportive, which leads to an insecure attachment style. This style reflects different degrees of conflict and struggle; Conflict with the feeling of unworthiness for love or the feeling that they can not depend on others to be with them emotionally. Although each person’s style reflects their tendency to react in certain ways to relationships, their style certainly varies depending on life situations and experiences.
Children who grow up feeling that they have a flaw or defect and feel the need to receive love engage in something called “anxious attachment.” Unfortunately, their lives often go on, consciously or unconsciously, in an attempt to prevent rejection or abandonment. They are usually dependent, jealous and needy. These are common characteristics of attachment-related anxiety.
Although this style of communicating with others is established in their sense of self, research has shown that it can be changed through experiences in which they feel valued. In 2014, researchers at the University of Minnesota and the University of Auckland found that having an emotional partner who clearly loves and supports, especially during times of stress, is beneficial for people with an anxious attachment. This is just one example of a wealth of research on attachment styles.
Stephen Drigatos, Carl Rasbolt, Jennifer Wieselkist, and Sarah Vuitton are the researchers who did the research in 1999 that still seems interesting. They confirmed what they called the “Michelangelo” phenomenon. Just as Michelangelo sculpted the natural beauty of stones, one can express the ideal of one’s emotional partner and reveal one’s beautiful nature. This happens when he overcomes the weaknesses of his emotional partner and tends to focus more on his strengths. While everyone can benefit from this dynamism, it is especially useful for people with an anxious attachment style.
According to these and other studies in attachment theory, choosing a partner who has the following characteristics can help people with anxious attachments feel better about themselves and more secure in their relationships:
Safe and secure: These people feel healthy about themselves and expect their intimate relationship, two-way relationship, supportive and emotionally close. They have emotional stability, the ability to express attention directly and be receptive to emotional communication even in difficult situations.
Effective Recipient Communication: Close and supportive emotional relationships are based on the ability to listen well and talk about issues. Because people who communicate effectively can manage their emotions well, they are able to guide their partner with an insecure (and sometimes emotionally repressed) attachment to get through a stressful situation.
Your appreciation: People with anxious attachments need to feel more loved and accepted for what they are; Not for what they do for the benefit of others. So a partner who truly respects, values and cares about them can provide a healing experience.
Proportionate: Just like others, people with anxiety attachments are happiest in their relationships when they enjoy spending time with their partner. So it is important for them to have a partner with whom they can enjoy joint activities such as interesting conversations or walking together on the beach. In addition, the desired emotional partners in a long-term relationship have similar values or at least respect each other’s values. This is especially true when these values affect everyday life; Like whether they want a child.
Ready for a relationship: Finally, an ideal emotional partner must be ready and able to stay committed to the relationship. He must be willing and eager to prioritize his partner’s happiness.
Although it is ultimately up to each person to cultivate a greater sense of security, choosing the right partner can make a huge difference in a person’s happiness. So instead of letting the initial excitement of meeting a new person fascinate and captivate you, make sure you get over the emotional outburst. It may be hard, but try to be realistic about your personality traits. Then make an informed decision about why you should continue the relationship. Doing so will help you remember that the choices you make can be one of the most important decisions of your life.